How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm too high and old for this...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
