I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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