The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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