He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
