so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
