I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
