i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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