We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
