so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
