I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
