Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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