So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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