I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
