Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
