did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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