what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
