so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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