I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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