i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
