1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
