I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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