Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
