K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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