I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
