my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
