I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
