you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
