Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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