Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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