he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
