The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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