You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
