i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
