Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
