And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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