I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
