I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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