ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
