on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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