i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
