i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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