Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
