my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
