my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
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