so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
