I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
