I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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