She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
