also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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