My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
